I sit here, at 1:30AM, with Kenny Loggin’s “Danger Zone” playing in my ears.

The anthem feels bizarrely fitting for my mood. I really am taking it right into the danger zone with this blog. 

I’m making the “me” that I’ve kept hidden for so long, finally known. The “me” that friends and family may know of, but not know much about.

I’m finally letting them know me — the real me!

And, honestly? I have no idea where to begin, so perhaps we’ll start at the beginning. 

Wait. Do we start with that beginning, or that one? I have no idea.

Okay okay. I can do this. I think. 

Okay, first, a warning: if you’re family or a friend and you don’t want to know sex stuff about me, now is your chance to click away — things are about to get real!

Let me start by saying that I’m not a nymphomaniac or anything like that. I mean, I like sex, but I like people more — I’m an incurable emophile. Does that make me sound better? Perhaps? Not really? I have no idea. 

I know that to a lot of people, I probably don’t seem very sexual. Perhaps I even seem a little bit prudish, and maybe I am. I just prefer quality over quantity, okay?

Maybe we should start way back in secondary school. I remember doing sex education, and I remember not wanting sex like we were learning about in class — the man and woman in bed, and all the biologies thereof.

It didn’t seem boring, it just didn’t seem very fun. 

That’s it? That’s what all the cool kids are so hyped up about? Lame!

But I kept having these thoughts of bondage that, for a sixteen-year-old girl with no prior exposure to a world of bondage, were very confusing indeed. I thought there was something wrong with me: why couldn’t I enjoy the thought of “normal” sex like everyone else?! 

Then I turned eighteen, and I discovered the world of BDSM, and suddenly all of the pieces fell into place. I’d found the world that I was meant to be part of, where I felt accepted and understood, and that I later dedicated myself to, as a BDSM educator. It became fundamental to my relationship with Matt, too. Something we did together — our kinky little secret. 

Of course, BDSM is a little different to drink or drugs, and media perceptions of kink don’t help. I didn’t like the effects of alcohol, and I didn’t much like the sound of smoking or drugs, either — I didn’t like the “normal” social things.

But I do enjoy a safe, consensual, legal endorphin and adrenaline high with someone I love and trust.  

I couldn’t talk about that, though. Even if I was immensely proud of my relationship with Matt, I knew nobody would really understand me. 

Then FIfty Shades of Grey happened, and my life changed. 

I remember when we went to see the movie at the cinema, for Valentine’s day — I wore my collar under a scarf and I took the scarf off once we were in the theatre. It was the first time I ever felt truly visible; the first time I felt I’d finally been seen.

I still remember the look Matt gave me during the helicopter scene, when Christian said to Ana “no escaping now”. Matt didn’t need to say it — I fully understood it! 

But I also remember, in the weeks after watching the movie, the moment that would change my life. Matt knew how well I could write: I shared my journal with him at the instruction of my then-therapist.

So when I — pointing at all the Fifty Shades of Grey books around us while we waited in a queue in ASDA — said that “someone should teach about this stuff (BDSM) now”, I didn’t think he would turn around and say that “someone” should be me. 

He believed I — little ol’ Helen — should be the one teaching people about BDSM. 

So I started my first blog, and as part of my teaching and sharing, I started writing sex toy reviews as well. You know, in case people wanted to get the good stuff too, right? 

And then I had brands reach out to me who loved my writing style, and I applied to become a Lovehoney affiliate and got accepted. Partnerships happened, collaborations formed. Before I knew it, I was working with people and partners from all over the world. 

And I know that Matt still is immensely proud of me and my accomplishments, as I am proud of him. He doesn’t shut up about me and my work!

That’s why, when I became a Lovehoney affiliate, I became popular with some of his colleagues. Come on, who doesn’t want discounts on sex toys?! 

But I didn’t want people to know too much about the other side of me — to read, in depth, about my kinky side.

So I set up a dedicated Facebook page, then realised I had another problem: I was now at Meta’s whim. 

That’s why I set up “Love, Helen” — so I had a second platform that I own, and where people could read me and enjoy the great discounts and deals that I have to promote — and without knowing too much!

And who knows? Maybe I’ll get there someday, I’m just not completely comfortable with people who know me knowing the full, kinky me yet. Some of my kinks are perhaps a little unusual, so forgive me for wanting to keep them at least temporarily very firmly under wraps! 

With love,